Spencer's
by YoungAndOverIntelligent
Summary: Just a ficlet about Blaine roping Kurt into buying sex things. Klaine. Not really rated M, but it mentions a couple of sex toys and stuff so that's what I'm rating it.


We're gunna pretend Blaine is 18 and actually old enough to buy these objects. He was originally supposed to be older than Kurt anyways. Also, I wrote this while listening to Nyan Cat on repeat. Do not ask questions.

I am no associated with Glee and do not own its characters. I also am not affiliated with Spencer's, no matter how much I would love to be.

_o-O-o_

"Okay, Blaine, I can_not_ do this."

Blaine laughed nervously as he placed a hand to his boyfriend's back to guide him into the store. Kurt would not move. "It'll be really quick. I promise."

Kurt looked more ashen faced than ever as his boyfriend brought him even closer to the door. Sheepishly, he pushed past Blaine's guiding hand to walk in the other direction. "No, really. I can't do it."

This was not working, Blaine realized. How was he supposed to persuade his boyfriend when he himself was still iffy on the matter?

"Look, Kurt, you need this." He let out a shaky sigh, "This is a stage in your life that you really need to just... get over quickly."

_Oh god_, Blaine thought as he his boyfriend's bitchy side started to take over. He could see that hardened gleam in his eyes, giving him the persona of a rather presumptuous feline. Once bitchy-Kurt made an appearance it was rather difficult to dismiss him.

"I'm pretty sure there are plenty of people who have never bought sex toys, and they are probably all wonderful, wholesome people." Kurt had his arms crossed now, his body leaning on one leg defiantly. Blaine rolled his eyes slightly.

"Either that or they're virgins who never learned to have fun." Even as he said it, Blaine knew what Kurt's response would be.

"For the record, I'm not a virgin- just in case maybe you've forgotten that little detail." Kurt was beginning to lose his bitchy exterior. "And I know how to have fun. Why do we need toys to have fun? I'm sure there's _tons_ of stuff we could do for fun without needing toys."

Blaine rolled his eyes completely this time at his boyfriend's naivety. "That's not _exactly_ the reason I'm making you do this." Seeing his boyfriend's raised eyebrow made him continue. "I think that the experience might open you up a little."

Kurt's eyes widened almost comically before Blaine caught himself.

"I meant that it might make you a little less frightened of sex," He said quickly, his hands raising dependently "Not that it would _literally_..." Blaine trailed off at Kurt's horrified expression, "yeah..." he finished lamely, looking up at the store, labeled 'Spencer's'.

The awkward moment hung in the air as a reminder of all of the awkward that was soon to come. Taking one last reassuring breath, Blaine grabbed onto Kurt's forearm. "Come on, the sooner we get in the sooner we can leave..."

"Blaine, I really-"

But they had already entered the store. Kurt looked around horrifically. The front of the store was nothing more than grungy, graphic tee shirts and crude, novelty trinkets. Almost innocent. He pulled himself closer to Blaine automatically as he saw a very large, tattooed, pierced-in-every-visual-body-part man looking through the studded belts. He leant forward and hissed in Blaine's ear. "Blaine, I am leaving right now whether you come with me or not."

Blaine coughed into the hand that was not still holding Kurt around the wrist. "Kurt, you really, _really_ need this." Kurt was starting to harden again. It would have looked menacing if he hadn't also been literally shaking in fear. Blaine decided to switch up his methods. "Okay, Kurt, honestly, I need this too. And there is no way I am buying this alone." He turned away to hide his slight blush.

Kurt scoffed, "Blaine, we both know you're _more_ than confident in bed. You're easier to excite a freaking _puppy_."

Blaine dropped his expression, "I can't tell whether that was meant as a complement or not..."

Kurt let out a noise much like he was walking into the seventh chamber of hell as he caught sight of the lingerie. "Look, honestly, our love life is wonderful. We don't need anything to spice it up. Can we go now?" He turned to make a run for it, forgetting that Blaine still had a hold of his wrist.

"Kurt, look. We're almost there." Blaine tried to coax him, "We don't need to get a lot. Just one dildo or something and then we can go."

"I am _not_ getting a dildo."

"Fine, then I'll get one. But you have to get something." Kurt groaned.

Finally, they reached the back of the store. Kurt's normally pale complexion was suddenly beat red as he took a look around at what was in the store.

"Oh my god. Is that a blow-up doll?" Kurt screeched in a horrified whisper. "I didn't know people actually _bought_ those-"

Blaine nodded, trying to keep his palms from getting too sweaty. "Let's _not_ get that."

"Let's not get _anything_-"

"We are getting something whether you like it or not." Blaine tried to sound stern, but his voice cracked slightly from the lack of moisture in it. Just then he caught sight of something.

"Oh my god Kurt-!"

"We are not getting edible body paint." Kurt deadpanned as he caught sight of What his boyfriend was gawking at. Blaine's expression dropped significantly.

"But Kurt-"

"Absolutely not." A muscle in Kurt's jaw started to twitch. "Knowing you you'd use colors that would clash horrifically with my skin tone. And I will _not_ stand for that." Kurt looked closer at the colors. "See? Fluorescent colors mixed with my skin would give you a headache."

Blaine pouted, "But I could..." he trailed off, suddenly getting very hot from the images that were flooding his mind. Images of him getting to lick off the candy from any place that he chose on his boyfriend...

Kurt froze as he too started to get these images. He swallowed a huge lump in his throat, determinedly looking everywhere but his boyfriend.

_Blaine would push him up against the headboard of his bed, gripping his waist dominantly as he wrote the letters of his name across Kurt's hips. He would dip his head down lower to trace the script forcefully with his tongue, with hot, wet swipes, pausing only to suck at the contours of Kurt's structure._

Embarrassed beyond hell, Kurt grabbed the package of pens and tossed them at his boyfriend before stalking off down the first isle he saw. Blaine barely caught them, nearly falling over as the object smacked him in the face.

Kurt realized that he had walked down the lingerie section. Skimpy little outfits lined up across the shelves, waiting for females to buy them to try and impress their could-be-cheating-boyfriends. Blaine soon followed him, looking extremely accomplished.

"Are we getting lingerie?" He smiled at his boyfriend hopefully, the notion itself looking rather goofy in his own the loveable way. Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Yes Blaine. They totally have lingerie in my size." Kurt sighed, suddenly noticing how a girl in the front of the store was _definitely_ watching them. He quickly tried to hide himself from view behind the rack.

"Lingerie is not _supposed_ to be in your size." Blaine pointed out wisely, oblivious to his boyfriend's new wave of self-consciousness.

Kurt crossed his arms. "I meant that these are for _girls_."

Blaine went to speak, but then stopped himself. To be honest, he thought Kurt would look good in anything he wore. Even if it be thin straps of lace across the torso and a ridiculously tiny skirt...

Actually, that image was definitely one Blaine wanted to see.

He was right about to voice this when Kurt suddenly pulled him practically into the rack of clothes with him.

"Will you stop it?" Kurt yelled at him, their faces inches apart, making sure to keep his voice hardly above a whisper. Blaine's eyebrows furrowed.

"Stop what?" 

Kurt's voice would have been barely audible if it weren't for the scolding tone. "Picturing me in female lingerie when that girl is _staring_ at us."

Blaine went to turn and look at said girl, until Kurt's hand grabbed his chin to forbid him.

"Well don't _look_ at her!" He sounded scandalized.

"How will I know if she's there?" Blaine questioned softly, his cheeks still pinched between Kurt's hand.

"Well don't just stare at her like she's a freaking Yeti!" Kurt nagged, "She'll know we know she's looking at us!"

"Wouldn't that stop her from looking at us, though?"

"Well, yeah, but you don't just..." Kurt rambled through his mind for words, finally dropping Blaine's chin, "stare at her! It's awkward!"

Blaine rolled his eyes theatrically, "We're in a store that sells anal beads. _Everything_ is awkward."

Kurt's eyes widened. "Anal _what's_?"

Blaine froze, clearing his throat a bit. "They're beads that-"

"Stop. I don't want to hear it." With this, Kurt began to walk away down another isle, leaving his boyfriend behind.

"Actually," Blaine continued as he followed Kurt, "I've kinda wanted to try that..."

"What part of 'I don't want to hear it' don't you understand?" Kurt spat at him as he turned to look at what was down this isle. "Are those straws with penises on the end?"

Blaine stifled a laugh as he spotted the multicolored straws. "It seems so,"

Kurt looked mortified. "When would you ever _use_ those?"

"Bachelorette parties." Blaine informed him. They continued walking, speeding up their pace past the chains and whips. Blaine put a hand out to stop Kurt from passing the handcuffs.

Kurt took one look and turned away. "Absolutely not."

Blaine whimpered a little. "Just once? I really want to try it-"

"Blaine!" Kurt hushed him, a little weary of having that girl overhear them. He quick scanned the area before deeming it appropriate to continue. "Look, we've got the paints, can we just go now?"

Blaine shook his head, "You still need to get a dildo."

"I thought we agreed that _you_ were getting the dildo?"

"I'm getting the paints!"

"Well I don't want a dildo, so I'm not getting one!"

"_Kurt_!" Blaine whined, his hazel eyes getting bigger by the second.

Kurt narrowed his own temperamental-blue eyes."What do we need a dildo for?"

Blaine sighed. "I promise you you'll love it." He tempted lamely. Kurt scoffed.

"Have you ever even used one?"

"Well- not exactly..." Kurt lifted a well-manicured eyebrow at him. "Okay, _not at all,_ then. But I've seen them used before in porn and I think it's worth giving a try-"

"You've watched dildo porn?" Kurt looked horrified again. Blaine quickly tried to recover.

"Well not _'dildo porn'_ per say," he explained, "But porn where they used dildos, yes." That didn't seem to help him at all. Kurt was looking at him like he just sprouted a tentacle from each eyebrow. "Kurt, we went over this. Watching porn is normal, okay? Nearly everyone does it."

"Yes, I know, most people _do_ but I just cannot get myself to seriously watch it." He explained, his voice still only audible to Blaine, "Like, all of those people have _parents_ and _family_ and what happens if I accidentally see someone that I know in one? I would never be able to talk to them again if that ever happened!"

Blaine started to laugh before Kurt hit him in the chest. "Don't laugh!" Kurt warned him. "This is seriously what I think of when I try to watch those! It's nearly as awkward as being in this store!"

Blaine calmed himself down, still smiling ruefully. "Right, sorry." He apologized, though Kurt didn't get the feeling he was actually sorry. "But still. Dildos. We are getting you one."

"But why do I need a dildo when I already have you?" Kurt brought up this very good point with an inclination of his head and a fluttering of his eyelashes.

"Flattery will get you nowhere, Hummel." Blaine humored. "But really, Kurt. We'll get you one that vibrates."

Kurt nearly knocked over the stand of sex-position books. "A vibrator? Blaine Anderson, you are not getting me to ever use one of those."

Blaine rolled his eyes. "Well then," He significantly dropped his voice, "you can use it on _me_ then." He muttered. Kurt stopped completely at this, going beat red. Blaine couldn't have been serious about that. Could he?

Blaine began to walk away, spotting the line of dildos. Kurt quickly followed him, his mind still running fervently over what his boyfriend had just mentioned.

Blaine scanned the shelves for what he needed, finally picking up a brightly colored purple one. Kurt sputtered upon seeing it.

"Why is it so..." he trailed off, wanting to fill a million words at the end of it. He settled with "..._big_?"

Blaine cleared his throat awkwardly for what had to have been the hundredth time since entering the store. "Well, they're all supposed to be fantasy-worthy, aren't they?"

Kurt rolled his eyes, looking incredibly uncomfortable as the intense image of Blaine _writhing_ under Kurt's hands because of this instrument seeped into his thoughts. He bitterly tried to push it away. "D-don't come crying to me when you're in pain, then." He spat.

"Oh!" Blaine remembered, looking to stop something else. "That reminds me!" He began to walk a little further back into the store.

"What? Blaine!" Kurt called after him. "Blaine, we've got the freaking dildo, okay? Let's just go!"

"No, no!" Blaine waved him to follow, looking a little odd with the objects in his hands. Kurt blushed evermore because of it. "We actually do _need_ this."

Kurt, curious as to what he meant, followed.

"What flavor?" Blaine proposed, mentioning to the line of lubricant. Kurt's eyes widened.

"Is it necessary to have every flavor known to mankind made into a lube?" Blaine laughed.

"Just pick one, alright?" Blaine mentioned to a particular one to the right, "This one's mango flavored! You like mangoes, don't you?"

Kurt rolled his eyes, waving his hand to tell Blaine that it really didn't matter, "Why do they need to make it flavored? Do we really need to taste it?"

Blaine smirked. "Well, you don't have to, but it is slightly edible." Kurt's eyebrows knitted together as he mouthed the word 'slightly'. "In other words, if you do it won't kill you, but you shouldn't just eat it out of the tube."

Kurt made a noncommittal sound. "Can we go now?" He added desperately.

"Yeah, we can actually," The couple started to make their way to the registers. As they got closer Kurt stopped.

"So you can go pay for that." He stood his ground, not moving an inch further. Blaine shuffled the objects under his arms so that he could grab Kurt by the wrist.

"Absolutely not. The whole point of this shopping trip was to get you to open up and buy something." Kurt was absolutely appalled.

"There is _no way_ you are getting me to walk up there, place these items on the counter and in front of everyone in the store, and then hand money to the cashier for them to judge me like I know they already are."

The return of bitch!Kurt.

Blaine rolled his eyes. "Well go together."

Kurt's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "That's practically worse! Everyone will think that we're gunna go home and use this stuff-"

"Kurt, we _are_ gunna go home and use this stuff." Blaine deadpanned as he dropped Kurt's hands. Kurt was about to blow, his voice going slightly louder than the constant whisper he had been using since they entered the store.

"Well _yeah_, but they don't have to know that!"

Blaine's eyes rolled in their sockets as he lifted the items in his hands. "Well unless you're planning to shoplift this stuff, we're kind of stuck."

"Well, I'm definitely all for just leaving without getting anything." He smiled dangerously. Blaine dropped his shoulders and began to pout again. Kurt finally caved, hopping angrily on the spot and giving a frustrated whine of his own. "Blaine Anderson you will be the death of me."

Blaine smiled, strolling over to the register. "Come on Kurt, I promise it won't be that bad. People do this every day. I'm sure the cashier won't be too phased by it."

Kurt was skeptical, though the girl working seemed almost too bored to care. He hoped.

To his horror, she smirked as she saw what Blaine laid out on the counter. Kurt suddenly felt as if they should have gotten something innocent to sort of tone down the innuendo of their purchase. Then he realized that there really wasn't _anything_ innocent in the store.

To make matters worse the cashier began to talk about them as she scanned their items. "You guys should totally pick up a pair of candied thongs."

Blaine felt Kurt become unnaturally stiff beside him. He didn't have to turn around to know that his boyfriend had gone sickly white behind him. Trying to be kind, Blaine laughed nervously, "Ah... I don't think we're ready for that just yet."

He felt Kurt mentally screaming at him for letting the slightest hint of their sex lives out to a stranger.

She smirked at them, "Well when you are, definitely give it a try." Kurt was practically rocking back and forth. The cashier was not making this easy for Blaine.

Blaine politely paid for their items quickly, wishing the cashier a good day as he tried to keep up with Kurt's sudden dash toward the exit of the store.

Before they could leave though, the cashier knowingly chuckled _"Enjoy."_

Outside of the store, Kurt went completely red as he rounded on his boyfriend, spitting out everything he could in one long, drawn out lecture_. "Blaine Anderson never in my life have I been more humiliated. That was the worst situation I have ever been in and if you think for a minute that we are ever doing that again than you need a psychiatrist-"_

"Kurt-" Blaine tried to calm his boyfriend down, as people were starting to look.

_"You owe me so much for this. I better be allowed style your hair for a month. God knows why you plaster it with glue like you do-"_

"Kurt!" Blaine raised his voice, hoping to cut off this form of rant from getting too bad. Sometimes Kurt gets into a bad enough mood where all he can do is tear down the physical qualities of whomever put him in said mood.

_"I mean seriously. It's almost as bad as your eyebrows. I better be allowed to pluck those because it should have been done years ago- you look like a freaking woolly mammoth-"_

"KURT!" Blaine grabbed his boyfriend's arms, the bag of their new items sliding down to his elbow. Finally, Kurt stopped ranting enough to take a deep breath. "Look, I know that the cashier might have been a little rude-"

"'_A little'_?" Kurt's voice squeaked. "She had absolutely _no right_ to talk about what we should be doing in bed. And she was in the _work place_! That was completely unprofessional! Not to mention her tattoos were _gaudy_ and she needed a good, color-treatment conditioner for her hair-"

Blaine rubbed his temples. "Look, Kurt, I know that it ended in a bit of a disaster." Kurt's eyebrow raised skeptically. "Alright, a _complete_ disaster- but look on the bright side. We did it!"

Kurt walked away.

Blaine ran to catch up to his boyfriend. "No, really, we did! We successfully bought sex things!"

"Can you please not say that like a five year old?"

"Kurt!" Blaine whimpered, "Do you not see how far we've come?"

"All I see is me not being on speaking terms with you for the next month."

"Kurt," Blaine suddenly pulled his boyfriend aside next to a large, fake plant so that they were mostly-secluded from the crowded mall. Kurt's breath caught as Blaine grabbed his hips and began to rub small circles with his thumbs. Blaine leaned forwards to groan in his boyfriend's ear hotly, "We've still got to try all of this out, you know."

Kurt swallowed harshly, licking his suddenly dried lips. Blaine was usually never this forward, especially in any place where someone can just walk by and see them. He choked on his words a bit. "We should... do that."

_o-O-o_

I am now convinced that Darren Criss secretly has tentacles under his tribrows. I originally wrote that line to be 'from his forehead', but then my mind warped to this conclusion and it was all downhill from there.

And the mango scented lube was for my friend Keiku. You're welcome.

And I might write the next part to this. But only if people want it.


End file.
